


Send help

by Unstoppabletogether



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fighting, Heavy Angst, Hurt Jake Peralta, Hurt/Comfort, I mean it's laregly based on my depression so not that bad, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jake needs therapy, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Yeahuh it gets bad, just a bit, just wow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22631782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unstoppabletogether/pseuds/Unstoppabletogether
Summary: He was terrified.He’s heard about this. He’s read about this. Heck, he knows people who have done it.But now that he’s standing here, his blood a high contrast from the usual white marble floor, he doesn't know how he has found it himself.~+~+~When a new fight occurs between Jake and Amy, it puts a strain on their relationship and send Jake down some dark paths. (This is just based on my own issues so be warned)WARNING: IF SELFHARM OR DEPRESSION OR ANY KINDA ASSUALT TRIGGERS YOU PLEASE DON'T READ THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Relationships: Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago
Comments: 5
Kudos: 199





	Send help

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so yea this gets really deep. It's okay at the start and tbh i'm quite proud of it. (It's quite long) It gets deep real fast so yea. Anyway i hope this was alright. (Creds to my friend Ash who choose the title) 
> 
> WARNING: IF SELFHARM OR DEPRESSION OR ANY KINDA ASSUALT TRIGGERS YOU PLEASE DON'T READ THIS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. 
> 
> Otherwise...enjoy? :)

_He was terrified._

_He’s heard about this. He’s read about this. Heck, he knows people who have done it._

_But now that he’s standing here, his blood a high contrast from the usual white marble floor, he_ _doesn't know how he has found it himself._

~+~+~

He was crying. 

Why was he crying? 

He groaned, rubbing his hand against a sharp pain in his ribs. He backed away from...from her. Collapsing onto their couch, he let out a low moan as the pain steadily increased. 

“Oh god.”

She came closer, her hands trembling as she moved to touch his shoulder. Her mouth opened in a wide gasp as he cringed away from her, both their eyes brimming with tears. 

_“I DIDN'T WANT TO KISS HER!”_

_‘WELL IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE IT!”_

_A scream._

_An accidental step backward ._

_A very badly placed coffee table._

He scrunched his eyes together, tears staining the pillow. 

“Jake...babe let me help you.” She tried again, gingerly placing her hands on his. He finally relented, still tense as she lifted up his shirt. She bit her lip when she saw the large bruises dotting his chest and the blood still flowing from a cut on his head, at a loss of what to do. 

He let a shallow laugh when she gently rubbed away the tears on his cheeks, “I do..don’t think my ugly crying is the priority right now Ames.” 

She laughed, a fake one, like she was trying desperately to hold back her tears. (She was.) “I’m sorry.'' She kissed him gently on his forehead before running to get ice. 

_They were joking around, just like they used to._

_It was a coverup._

_A desperate one to hide the truth._

_Hide the new tension in their relationship._

+~+~

Life was a blur now. 

They would act normal around their friends. 

Laugh and hold hands and look into each other's eyes. 

But now at home things were different. Every word they muttered was tense, every action careful and calculated. 

_She wanted to talk to him._

_He wanted to talk to her._

_But neither of them did._

When they sleep now they no longer hold each other in their arms. They sleep like strangers, like people who barely know each other. They were reduced to what their relationship used to be. A budding rivalry and tense conversation. 

She misses him so much. 

Missed being able to rest her head on his chest as they watch television. 

Misses being able to joke and laugh without that blanket of awkwardness over them. 

He misses her too. 

Missies smelling her shampoo as he holds her tight in the dead of the night

Misses their casual touches and their loving looks.

They are incomplete without the other, but they couldn't be the same without fixing the problem. But neither knew how to fix the problem. 

~+~+ _Two days ago_ ~+~+~

Jake wasn't feeling great.

He glanced at Amy for the thousandth time that night. She was laughing away with her friends, yes plural, from the library. He had been outcast less than five mins into their conversation when he compared Shakespere’s work to that of John Mcteirnan. 

As he had made his way over to the bar, Amy clutched his hand and gave him her most apologetic look, not letting go until he was too far away to hold on any longer. 

“She doesn't seem very sorry.” He sulked, burying his head into his arms. 

_“I can’t wait for date night.”_

_“I know, it’s been so long since we hung out together.”_

He banged his head on the table as he recalled the kiss that they shared, he was happy for her really, it just felt weird to spend their rare date night sitting alone at the bar. 

“What’s got you so down?” 

He looked up to see the bartender staring at him, cleaning out some glasses on the countertop. He smiled at her, smiled for the first time that night, and took a huge gulp of his beer. 

“Nothing much, just...lonely.” 

She leaned over, her face uncomfortably close to his, “Well, you wanna talk ‘bout it?” 

He cringed as he smelt the undeniable smell of cigarettes and liquor on her breath. He wanted to vomit, but this person seemed to be the only one who wanted to talk to him in like forever, so he jumped at the opportunity. No matter how unhealthy her breath smelt. 

Once he started, he couldn't stop. He went on and on and on, about work, family and every miserable aspect of his life, topping it off with the date night that he was **supposed** to be on now. He had no idea how long he had been talking but it felt good. He felt different. 

She widened her eyes, smiling as she set down her last glass, “You feel better now?”

“Surprisingly...yeah. THERAPY A SCAM!” 

She laughed, a loud bubbly laugh, as she clasped her hand on his shoulder. Judging by the empty beer bottles on the counter and his complete inability to remember his own name, he was utterly and completely drunk. 

She walked past the counter towards him, placing a tentative hand on his chest, “You're quite cute, you know?”

“Actually I do.” He replied, grinning, “My WIFE tells me that all the time.” He said wife extra loud, but he couldn't figure out why. 

“Well...I don’t mind if you don’t.” 

He gasped loudly, taking another gulp of his beer. “You naughty naughty girl.” He slurred. 

She laughed again, and he thought in the far reaches of his mind that _She has a cute laugh_ . She leaned closer,grabbing a tuft of his hair in his hands, whispering close in his ear, “I’m _your_ naughty girl.” 

She smirked at the look of pure amazement on his face, reaching for his hand and pulling him out of his seat. He quickly grabbed his beer, swallowing the last few drops. He gasped when she pulled him along faster, dropping his bottle on the floor and cringing when he heard it shatter on the floor. 

“Owiee.” He complained, looking at the blood slowly dripping down from a cut on his palm. He scrunched his eyes as the cold wind blew at his face, wrapping his jacket tighter around himself. 

The bartender, who he still does not name of, suddenly pushed him roughly against the wall and shoved her tongue inside his mouth. 

_No, no, no, what is she doing, this feels wrong._

He gasped in surprise, allowing her to kiss him deeper. Blood smeared onto her shirt as he tried to shove her away. 

She laughed again, grabbing his hands and pinning him against the wall, “Aren’t I a naughty girl-?”

“JAKE!” 

Jake groaned, mustering up all his strength and using that moment of weakness to push her away from him. Amy stood at the entrance of the bar, staring at them disbelievingly. 

The tears brimming in Amy’s eyes broke through when the bartender laughed, but this time Jake didn't like it. This time he thought it was loud. Far too loud. 

He heard screaming around him and quickly shut his eyes, he had heard enough screaming growing up. He collapsed onto the ground, his nose overwhelmed with the smell of iron as he nursed his bleeding palm, smearing blood over his face. 

_Amy._

_I want Amy._

He looked up, tears brimming in his eyes and his heart pounding in his chest. Amy was gone. She had ran away. Away from him. 

He’s breathing increased, he clutched his lungs. 

He wanted to cry. 

The bartender was gone. He was alone. He gasped, desperately trying to suck air into his lungs. 

_Horrible. Horrible. Horrible._

_I’m horrible._

_  
_ He sobbed as he huddled into a ball on the floor. 

_You're just like your dad._

_You hurt her._

He sniffled, attempting to rub away the tears in his eyes. The tears quickly replaced with new ones. 

_Please,_

_Someone help me._

_...help._

~+~+~+~

She was angry. 

Furious, 

Outraged. 

Exacerbated, 

Choleric, 

Galled. 

Her friends told her that listing words with similar meanings doesn't help her cope. But it was her coping mechanism and GODAMMINT SHE WAS GOING TO COPE!

Her best friend, her husband, the person she thought she could always trust. 

Betrayed her. 

She sobbed, crying her heart out on the couch. Just like she had done when he went to florida, and prison, and heck after their wedding because she was so happy, they were finally married. Officially family.

All these times though she had the comfort that he would be there. That he would come back. Hold her in his arms and whisper sweet nothings in her ears. 

But now she may have lost him. Lost him forever. 

She loved him so much. 

But right now, God she hated him. 

She never knew pain until she met him. The pain of being _just friends_. The pain of losing him too many times. The pain whenevers he’s in danger, which is way too much. But this pain hurt so much more. 

She wasn't hurting for him, but because of him. 

She let the tears run freely, glancing at the clock on the wall. She staggered into their bedroom, locking the door behind her. 

_I don’t care what he says, he’s sleeping on the couch tonight._

~+~+~+~

It was morning by the time Jake finally found his way home. 

He stumbled through their apartment door, clutching his head. God, he had a terrible headache. He tumbled onto the couch, drifting off the moment his head hit the pillow. 

Amy stood rooted to her spot in the kitchen, a cup of coffee in her hands. 

_I don’t think he saw me. That little motherfuc-_

She quickly stopped herself, she loved him too much to call him that. God why did she have to love him. She buried her head in her hands, _Why did this have to happen?_ Her cup of coffee long forgotten, she grabbed her jacket and stormed out of the house to work. 

_Yep, still mad at him._

~+~+~+~

That day passed in a blaze. 

Jake falling off the couch and hitting his head. 

Amy screaming at her officers and crying in the bathroom. 

Jake vomiting in the bathroom and bandaging his palm. 

Amy apologizing to her officers and crying the bathroom. Yes, again.

Totally normal day. 

When she got home she didn't know what to expect. Didn't know if he would be angry, sad, guilty, or heck if he would even be there. 

He was. 

She stood at the door, key in her hand and jacket in her arms. She stared at his figure, unmoving on the couch. 

He didn't dare look at her, staring at the suddenly very interesting floorboards. She could see the pillowcase stained with sweat. (and tears.) 

Amy sighed, throwing her key in the bowl, hanging her jacket on the peg. 

“You didn't come into work today.” She said nonchalantly, walking straight into the kitchen and grabbing a cup of water. 

He bit his lip, switching off whatever he was supposedly watching on the TV. He stood up on shaky legs, still staring straight ahead. . 

She slowly made her way over, spilling some water as she hid her trembling hands, “Why?”

He knew she wasn't asking about work. 

“I...didn't feel well.” 

She walked even closer, the basically empty cup, heavy in her hands, “No Jake, why?” 

He didn't dare to turn around, opening his mouth to answer but no matter what he did nothing would come out. 

“Why would you ruin this?” She asked again, her voice increasing just like the giant lump in her throat, “WHY WOULD YOU RUIN US?” 

God he couldn't breathe.

_In and out._

_In and out._

_In and o-_

“WHY?” 

He closed his eyes tight, tears sliding down his cheeks. His whole body shook, and he clenched his fists tight together. 

“Please…” He heard her voice crack, “Just...why?” 

He took a deep breath, turning around. 

“I DIDN'T WANT TO KISS HER!”

‘WELL IT SURE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE IT!” 

She screamed this time, a full-on scream, and threw her cup on the floor. He looked as the glass shattered, spreading all over the floor, just like that bottle of beer, just like that picture fra-

_“I DIDN'T MEAN TO KISS HER!”_

_“WELL IT SURE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE IT,_ **_ROGER_ ** _!”_

_He cried, falling onto his knees. He covered his ears as they screamed, his curly hair falling in front of his eyes in that way that his mum hated. The screaming melted into silence, the only sound he could hear now was his pounding heartbeat and his shallow breathing._

_In and out._

_In and out._

_In an-_

_He cried out when he saw the picture shatter, they looked so happy. So fake. The glass from the frame shattering near him. He gasped when he saw the blood, but he didnt feel it._

_Red hot blood, soaking into the already tear stained carpet. His jaw trembled as he held back tears, he didn't like seeing blood. He tried to pick the shard of glass out of his leg but he was held back by a firm hand._

_The voices around him faded into nothingness as his vision turned hazy. Just before he blacked out though, he felt a rough calloused hand push his hair out of his eyes._

_“I’m so sorry budd…”_

**No, please not again.**

He gasped, looking at the faded scar on his leg. Not again, not now, not here, 

Not with her. 

He stepped back, yelping in surprise when his leg knocked against wood instead of air. He yelled when his head hit the edge of the coffee table, his senses overcomed with pain. He felt the all too familiar feeling of unconsciousness grip at his eyes, the view of a worried Amy running towards him the last thing he saw. 

~+~ _Present~_ +~ 

Two days. 

Since that incident. 

Jake’s wounds had mostly healed by now. Completely missible if you weren't looking. But the pain was still there. 

It’s always been. 

He couldn't run away. Run away from the awakened memories that plague his mind, both new and old. They stay in his head like nightmares, but in the day. And everyone knows that that's worse. 

Everywhere he looked he could only see pain. He couldn't feel what he used to feel. Feelings of happiness and meaning. Now all he felt was a giant gnawing feeling in his chest. 

He thought if he distracted himself enough, he would be fine. Drink with his friends, watch a new show, do his work. He thought it would help him get away from that feeling of loneliness and emptiness in his chest. But no matter how hard he tries and how long he waits, it just won’t go away. 

So he gives up. 

He gives in to the emptiness and gives up trying. 

His smiles are fake now and his laughter dry, 

He’s quiet and uncertain, 

Insecure and awkward. 

He’s everything Jake Peralta isn't. 

And all he wants is to be able to live again, if he could only figure out how. 

~+~+~+~  
  


It’s another nightmare that gives him the idea. 

Or maybe it was a daymare, 

What's the difference? 

_“YOU!” He pointed, straight between his eyes._

_You shouldn't point at people, Jake wanted to say, Miss Aldrin says it’s rude. She scolds Gina whenever she does it. But he doesn't, because he knows what will happen._

_“If it wasn't for you, Karen and I would be fine.”_

_Jake looked away, staring at his toes._

_“HEY! LOOK AT ME!” He slurred._

_He wanted to, he tried to but he just couldn't._

_He screamed when he felt it,a blinding pain in his arm. Tears spring out of his eyes when he sees the blood. He was scared. Dad stands over him, a knife at his side, the edge of it stained red._

_“Please, Dad..don’t”_

_Dad raises the knife again._

“-ke, hey you okay dude?” 

Jake jerked his head up to see Rosa at his desk, an almost inscrutable look on her face. Almost. 

“I..I’m goo..great.”’

“Goo-great?”

“I don’t know,” He offered her a dry laugh, “Just couldn't decide?” 

Rosa gave him a look, a look that said she could see right through him, and that whatever it was that was worrying him, she would be there for him. 

He gave her a small smile, picking up his pen and getting back to work. She gave him a nod before walking off, knowing full well that Jake was watching her from the corner of his eye. 

When he got home that day, he dumped his bag on the couch, where he was sleeping most of the time now anyway. 

Amy was working late, he was all alone. 

All...alone.

~+~+~+~  
  


She doesn't notice anything is off until it’s too late. 

She thought they would get over their fight. They were getting there right? 

It was one of those things that they would strengthen their relationship and they would laugh about in the future. 

She never realised he was struggling. 

God, she feels terrible about it.

~+~+~+~  
  


He feels it. All of it. 

The pain and the liquid dripping down his skin. 

But he does it anyway because it feels right. Good that he is in pain. Good that he can feel pain because at least he can actually feel something. 

He uses a penknife he found in his drawer. It’s sharp. 

When he first brings the knife into his skin he feels terrible, he feels sick to his core and throws the knife across the room. But the rest of his night is filled with the obsession to try it again. It helps him forget. 

_Her tongue in his mouth, their noses jammed together. Her eyes dark and soulless, a wide grin on her face as she kissed him again. He wants to escape, run and kiss Amy._

_God he wants to kiss her now._

_His skin is on fire, every part of it that the woman touches feels wrong. It feels dirty. He wants to clean it but no matter how hard he scrubs the feeling won’t go away._

More blood drips onto the bathroom floor. He cuts in deeper, watches the blood flow. He thinks, searches his brain for anything but comes up empty. 

And at long last, sitting on a bathroom floor in a puddle of blood, he has finally found peace. 

~+~+~+~  
  


_“What made you start?”_

_“I...I think it was losing you. You grounded me Ames. I didn't know how much I relied on you until well, until you were gone.”_

Amy was his life. 

He had hated that night with all his heart, hated most of the nights that came after that too. He hated the person he had become. 

_God, you're so ugly. No one likes you. Amy probably hates you after what you’ve done. Why don’t you just go and di-_

He stopped himself from finishing that thought. No, he would never...kill himself right? 

Haha, of course not. 

He felt a whole new set of tears streaming in and quickly jumped out of bed. He and Amy had started sleeping in the same bed again. 

He clumsily made his way to the kitchen, a quick glance at the clock telling him that it was 2am. He fumbled through the kitchen drawers, looking for his well hidden pen knife. 

Sighing in relief, he smiled at the lines of red that soon appeared on his forearm, scarring his skin deeper than the other cuts already had. His head cleared again, he dropped the knife onto the ground and banged his head against the wall. 

_He hated himself for doing this. Why? Why couldn’t he just..._

His train of thought came to a stop when the kitchen light flickered on, a stunned gasp filling the previous silence. 

_Oh shit._

~+~+~

There was nothing more terrifying, in the entire world, then seeing your husband sitting in a pool of blood. 

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the marble floor stained red, the wall Jake was leaning against splattered with blood. 

“Ja..jake?”

He trembled, refusing to look in her eyes. 

_I’m disgusting. God she’s going to hate me._

But she didn't. 

Jake cringed away when she took another step, knowing that if he looked at her it would be through glassy eyes. He unconsciously gripped his hand tighter, pressing his palm deep into his cuts. . 

As streams of red leaked out from under his hand, Amy had enough. She marched forward, stealing a rag from the countertop.

“I’m..I’m so sorr-” 

“Babe...don’t apologize.” 

She cut him off, gingerly sitting down next to him and resting his hand on her thigh. His arm was still tense, blood flowing freely from the cuts. She cried, didn't hide it, before gently pressing the rag against his arm. 

Jake sniffled, clenching his hand into fists. He stared up at the ceiling, his thoughts running wild. 

_God, my marriage is over. Why would she want to be with me anymore? A screw up, a cheater._

It’s like she could hear his thoughts. 

She reached over and turned his head, forcing him to look into her eyes. She looked deep into his eyes, searching for their usual charm and happiness. 

She came up empty. 

“Why?”

This time it wasn't angry. It wasn't questioning or aggressive. It was soft, gentle and loving. Everything they hadn't been for the past few days. 

“I...I couldn't take it anymore.”

Her heart throbbed as he looked away from her, silent tears dripping down both their cheeks. She turned his head again, looking at him the same way she did when they got married, or after their first date, sending him a message no words could convey. 

“Your...amazing Jake.” She said, not a moment of hesitation in her voice, “Your handsome, kind and everything i could ever ask for .I’m sorry, sorry i didn't notice, sorry i didn't talk to you.” 

He smiled,small, uncertain but real, squeezing her hand in his, “Really?” 

“I love you Jake.” 

He laughed, a shy disbelieving laugh laced with uncertainty, that phrase contradicting every thought he had since their fight. 

“I’m not lying.” She tried again, “I…love you so much.” 

He swallowed down the lump in his throat, “I love you too.” 

~+~+~+~

Long after that, 

After the blood had dried and the sun had risen again. 

After she bandaged his cuts and cuddled him to sleep.   
  


After they woke up and stayed in bed, neither wanting to move from the others embrace. 

He told her. 

About the girl, his dad, 

The nightmares and thoughts. 

She had apologized, so had he. She had held him tight. Kissed his cheek and let him rest his head on her shoulder. He had kissed her forehead and made her breakfast. 

And as they sat together on the couch, as close as they could possibly be, watching reruns of old sitcoms, they both regained the most important part of their lives. 

_She loved him, and he loved her._

_What else would they need?_

**Author's Note:**

> Hey i hope that was, not too bad. If you have any requests or just wanna scream about b99 with me u can dm me on ig, @yourbuttisdabomb69. Supposed to be a fan account but me and my friends havent posted anything. We'll wait and see. Srsly though feel free to send in any reqeust, feel free to comment anything too. 
> 
> On a more serious note: I know this story was kinda dealing with some dark issues. I was just feeling real depressed and i vented through jake(Sry dude ily). If your having feelings like this, you should really seek some help, be it from a professional, ur friends or family. You can talk to me too if you want, my door is always open. You know because not everyone has a Amy to their Jake. 
> 
> Other than that i hope you enjoyed...this. Feel free to comment and i'll see you when i finish writing my other stories. BB :D


End file.
